Wednesday 31 October 2012

Misundestanding

How do I even start with this post???

Well if you look at my previous post I recently made a huge change by cutting of my hair but that was only a part of it. I'm rather complicated and I tend to keep things to myself. I'm posting this to clear up any misunderstanding I caused (or I think I did, I hope I didn't).


The Tail

If you saw my short hair I actually left a single strand of hair uncut. I normally tie it up when I go outside.

* keke you can see my peircing *

Its hard to explain when someone asks me why I decided to leave a single strand of hair uncut. The reason involves my dream to become a singer/musician. If you read my previous post you already know I cut my hair after that happened. 

Even though my dream is to be a singer, I have a deadline. By that I mean military school and I'm not joking. My dad graduated from the PMA and is still active in the military. So its a pretty obvious choice I go there after I finish high school, even my younger brother is planning to go there. Once I enter there's no turning back. They also have a certain age limit so until then I can pursue music and hopefully reach a point where I can forget about going to military school.

A pretty obvious cadet requirement there is short hair for both boys and girls. I will never understand why Andie Eigenmann had long hair in the drama "Minsan Lang Kita Iibigin" she was supposed to be cadet yet she had long hair throughout the drama at least wear a wig. Active female PMA'ers can only grow their hair out when they graduate. So why Andie? Why???? Now I'm getting off topic again.
As you can see I already cut my hair short. I left that one strand so that if I reach my deadline its gonna be easier for me to quit music and just go to military school. It's a promise I made to myself, if I ever cut this strand off. Then I'm completely turning my back on my dream. I only have around a year left. I guess I'm already preparing myself for it. 

I know not everyone will understand why, because I already know that not everyone can understand how much I love music and singing. Its something I want to do for the rest of my life. When I wrote "All that's left is a small strand of hope that I don't know if I should hang onto" in my last post this is what I meant.


Vegetarian

Ever since July I've stopped eating meat. I don't really have a solid reason to why I just decided to stop eating meat. To make it simple I was sleeping and I had a weird dream, since then I never want to eat meat ever again. I'll spare the details but it involved the apocalypse along with cows & birds turning carnivorous. I don't dream often but every time I do its always something that oddly scars me for live. Like when I had a dream of mermaids attacking me, since then I had trouble looking at fishes, especially dead ones. I think they're gonna back from the dead and infest in a human body slowly turning it into a half-human half-fish monster. 

*rawr*

I don't see any problem with my decision since it doesn't really effect anyone negatively. I don't go around (and I never will) telling people to stop eating meat. I'm not a complete health nut. I like to eat pringles and chips but not all the time though. I've never gone to a person and tried to change their eating habits. Everyone is responsible for their own body. I don't care if you smoke or what vices you have as long as you don't try to force me, as in forcefully make me do the same things.
As much as I admire SNSD's Seohyun, she's one of my role models. But I won't go around saying "You'll die if you eat that" or "bad diet accumulates and eventually you'll die".                                                                                      Don't worry Seohyun I still admire you, but I'd freak if anyone said that to me. (V)
Honestly I tried keeping the vegetarian thing under wraps aside from a few people. But the hell with out, people are finding out anyways. I don't mind if you eat meat in front of me, just don't shove it to me face or else you're gonna get wacked.

 Sorry

This is something I'm sorry about. I'm the type of person who would rather be alone and not talk a lot when I have problems. I was recently not my normal self for a few weeks and I would purposely avoid people I know. Sometimes at bus stops or at school. If that ever caused a misunderstanding then I'm really sorry. I don't like involving other people who should not be involved in my own problems. So I kept everything to myself. I walked around a lot trying to find the answers. But I still don't know the answers myself.


 Signing off
Camille

Wednesday 10 October 2012

Why I cut my hair? Something New? maybe?

Its been a while, seems like I've come back from the dead

i cut my hair short

If you ask me why I cut it I'll just say I got depressed and cut it

Maybe I should have just said that I got bubble gum in my hair

But I'm a horrible liar

It sounds lame but I feel like giving up on my dream to be a singer

I've always loved singing and music. Its the one thing i want to do for the rest of my life

To sing, write and compose songs which convey all my stories packed in notes and melodies

I've been through at least 3-4 auditions for 2 months all of them ended in a failure

The last one I did was the one gave it my all

I was sick again, that was the second time I went to an audition sick. 

"With A Voice That Seemed Broken, I Cried Out Over And Over Again" - Gazette's Taion
I know I wasn't in my best shape but I did what I could

My voice, my song I just wished someone listened to it for more than a minute

After the last audition I just cut my hair

I didn't want to look in the mirror and see the same person that was rejected over and over again

I honestly don't know if I want to continue with music, right now I just feel like giving up

All that's left is a small strand of hope that I don't know if I should hang onto 

After that last audition which was around a month ago

I'll be honest I fell into depression again

Weird right? The same thing that pulled me out of it is now the same thing pulling me into it again

My past is one thing I don't like talking about

Those memories are like Pandora's box, something that should never be opened

When I left the Philippines, I swore I left that weak side of me

Now I don't know anymore

I swear right now I sound like those melo-dramatic type of girls

I've been in this state for too long, I don't want too fall as deep as I did before

I honestly have no idea how, but I want to smile again without forcing it

Right now I'm confused but I'll be up on my feet again



Officially Signing out for now
Que