At those times i re-think why i even had this dream. How old was i when i decided that i wanted to just sing for the rest of my life. When i was around 7-8 i started singing, not because i wanted to but because i was following orders. I wasn't allowed to play outside much because i had asthma back then. I would sneak out just to play, at the end of the day i'd have a nebulizer up my face (I hated that thing), and eventually i just stopped going outside. Maybe it was because of the asthma i was enrolled into singing lessons around that age. Singing helps strengthen the lungs. Unconsciously i just did what i was told.
I think it was when i was around 13 when i just turned into a teen. I'll always remember when i first had the though of "i want to sing on stage like that as well". I was at an older friends house then. She showed me a video, i don't want to name it yet, but i was so touched by the singing that i just wanted to do the same thing. Since then that dream slowly had a snowball effect growing more and more each day, and then i started chasing that dream as that feeling became stronger. The stronger that feeling became the more painful it was to chase, but its also became even more painful to let go.
Theres this comic strip i've read on webtoon its called "speak through colors". Its a compilation of 3 short stories of different struggling artists, who are confused on their choices for their future. Somehow i can relate to it, despite being in a different form of art. The characters ages and positions are close to mine as well. Unable to move or confused towards their dream, and being at the cross-roads of pursuing that dream or continue studying.
The second story is the one i can relate to the most right now. This artist loved drawing but started feeling lost like in the other stories. She was lost in a way that she still loved art yet she started losing confidence in her abilities to draw. She stopped going to her art academy after school and just focused on school and her friends. She almost stopped drawing completely until she discovered other forms of art which involved dying, sewing and other things. (Sorry for spoiling but still its a good read)
I guess thats where i am right now. Up until a few months ago i started feeling that my singing itself wasn't good enough. Somehow i found sanctuary in listening to different genres of music, the type i don't normally to. The type which didn't involve fancy singing techniques just pure raw emotion conveyed through lyrics and actions. It made me re-think what type of artist do i want to become?
Since i felt somehow defeated in singing i started doing other things related to music when i didn't feel so down anymore. I started writing again, but mostly when i feel inspired thats when i write. Slowly i got into the guitar (not my own though/ borrowed) to compose accompaniment for the lyrics. I really liked how the bass strings on the guitar started and recently i was able to buy my own bass guitar. Somehow I found myself moving on, and falling in love with music even more.
I love music more than anything else. I know it sounds cheesy, and words like 'love' can be easily used without even fully understanding what it truly means. But its a dream I'm willing to surrender everything I have just to be given the chance to pursue. I've told myself this as soon as I realized how much this dream meant to me. Its a dream with a never-ending, pathless road.
Through music I can show who I really am. For a person like me who has difficulty expressing myself in normal terms, music has become a sanctuary. Only through notes, melodies and lyrics is when I can show the feelings and emotions I can't normally express. Whether I be sad or happy through music I find myself not only showing these emotions but magnifying them as well. It scares me sometimes how vulnerable i become when I'm singing, especially when the song can carry all the feeling I have inside.
So know that i realize it I'm not sad when i'm with music, nor am i happy.
"I'M MY REAL-SELF WHEN I'M WITH MUSIC"
